 
Beth Vishnevsky
Wisdom and Insights,
OUR CHILDREN
Friday, October 06, 2000
Recently I was asked to write an article on our children. It is my hope that after reading this, that readers will not only say they want to make a difference in a child’s life, but will make a difference in a child’s life.
Perhaps you know, or perhaps you are one of those people, who feel you would like to make a difference in the future of America, but simply "don’t have the time/energy/money to help".
If you’re able to make a donation of some sort (money, discarded items, baskets of food, health items, etc.), by all means, do so. But there are so many ways you can make a difference and you don’t have to open your checkbook to do it. You just have to open your heart.
Being well off financially is all fine and dandy, but being ‘rich’ encompasses so much more. The dictionaries define rich as being wealthy and full of possessions, but I would go further and define rich as rich in heart, rich in spirit, rich in life. Only by helping others and expanding your circle of friends and acquaintances can you fully grasp the true meaning of being fulfilled. The heart fulfills and keeps on giving.
What does it take to smile or lend a hand? What does it take to be nice to one of our fellow man? What does it take to show some human kindness? And why does it often take a tragedy to bring people closer together? We need each other more than we don’t need each other. If only we remembered that more often.
I did an experiment once. I woke up and decided I was going to set aside judgement and be pleasant to all those I encountered for the day. So many people are suspicious when another person is nice to them! And some people seem to just want to be in a bad mood and won’t let any sunshine in from any direction. And then there are people who seem so happy that you spoke to them that you can feel their good vibes in the air. But each person is entitled to their feelings. We have to get over our reaction to those feelings and accept that there is no magic formula when it comes to getting along with people. Indeed, some people seem to make that almost impossible.
It’s okay to cry and it’s okay to get angry. It’s normal to want to strike back when someone has done us or a loved one wrong. But if we let our pain consume and overwhelm us endlessly day after day, we become what we hate. Just as it is necessary to go through those painful times, so is it necessary to do what we can to heal ourselves and our families. It takes time, sometimes plenty of time, before we can do that. We will never forget the pain and indeed we may never be able to forgive the injustice. There is no right or wrong when it comes to what you feel in your heart. It’s only when you take what’s in your heart and turn around and use it against someone in a destructive way, that you enter into a different territory. Revenge may sound good, but rarely does it bring us the satisfaction we envision. The thing we can do is continue to fight for justice. Justice for all. When we fight for what is right, we bring honor to ourselves and honor to our loved ones. You have a right to feel what you feel, and you also have the ability to heal over time.
We will be sharing a tale of a little child who died a tragic death, a disturbing scenario as told by his distraught grieving grandfather. The facts of the case have and are still being debated. We are not judge and juror. Unfortunately, the tale of this boy’s fate is not an isolated case. Too many of our children have become victims of violence. Too many of our children will become victims of violence in the future.
It is only fair to say there are two sides to every story. It is also fair to say that not everyone is going to see eye to eye on what is discussed here. There will always be differences in opinion on every subject matter. The most important thing to keep in mind, however, is the common goal: To protect and cherish our children.
Whenever a child dies, something has gone terribly wrong, and all efforts should be made to find out exactly what took place that led to the untimely death. We cannot replace a child but we can do all that is possible to make sure another young life is not taken. By taking steps to ensure no other child falls victim to violence, the life taken away will never be in vain.
We hear and read about so many horrible tragedies that befall our children. The raping of babies. Children being beaten because they don’t meet their caretaker’s expectations. Children tortured and killed, sometimes because they are "too much trouble" in someone’s eyes. Newborns are being discarded in garbage cans and left to die.
These are realities in our world. They are not pleasant to think about. Yet the problem can’t be ignored any more. Children are being killed. And children are killing children. In a civilized society, we simply cannot accept that this is just the way things are. We can say "hey, what can you do?". We can state that "things are a lot different today". But those very statements signify hopelessness …. And, thus, we begin to just accept that these things happen and will continue to happen.
The weight of the world’s problems does not lie on any one particular’s shoulders. It lies on all of us. We need to work together … communities and families …. to bring about positive changes. Only by working together as a team and by listening and hearing every concerned voice can change come about. Granted, there are those who have the attitude that as long as their families are well, everyone else is on their own. Sadly, we fail to realize that what affects one, affects all. All our inactions and actions have an effect on our universe. We don’t have to look out for one another, but usually this backfires in one’s face. Treat others badly, you will eventually get burned. Turn away from others in need, and you may be turned away when you are in need someday. It is a vicious, but true, cycle.
Why do we think that tragedy will never happen to us or our loved ones? We are not immune from life in any respect. If it can happen to one, it can happen to another. Tragedy does not discriminate. Period.
"We’re in it for #1. We’re in it to win it".
It’s not that we’re necessarily being cold hearted or unfeeling. It’s just that we get so involved with our every day life and routines that it leaves little time for any outside ‘participation’. We have a lot going on in our lives, and many more parents these days are both working, and spending time with the kids is limited. There is absolutely nothing wrong with making your family your top priority – indeed, if they weren’t a top priority, you might have bigger problems to contend with.
There are a great number of modern stresses – too many! Stress not only maims, it can destroy. It makes sense that if we’re constantly on the go, we’re going to be run down and tired until it gets to the point where we are thoroughly exhausted. Can you think clearly when you are in an exhaustive state?
Consider the plight of the victims of domestic and family abuse. Wives that are being subjected to daily abuses and humiliations, while their children hide in the corner hoping they are not next in line. Not only do these women have to look out for themselves, but their children also. Often they are threatened by their husbands that if they try to leave, the children will be taken away from her or harmed in some way. Some will say why don’t these women just pick up and go anyway and get herself and those children out of that hazardous situation? It’s not that the thought has never entered her mind, I’m sure. She’s terrified and she’s been made to feel terrified. Bullies seek to make their victims feel so helpful and hopeless that they are too afraid to fight back or unable to. Constant abuse and harassment robs a person of their self-esteem and self-confidence so much that they don’t feel worthy of being treated any better. Some even think that they deserve whatever they get because there must be something wrong with them. They love their children very much, but because of all that negativity and abuse, it’s like they can’t move even though they try very hard to. The reality may be there is no place to go, or no money to go with. The reality is that if a spouse picks up and leaves without the kids, she can be accused of abandoning her kids and that can definitely hurt in a custody battle. The reality is, it’s a cold and hard life out there and if you don’t believe in yourself, really believe in your abilities, you’ll just barely survive.
Some abusers will apologize profusely for their behavior after the fact. They will get all sweet and loving … for a brief time. The abused will try to win back the affections of their mate, thinking that all will be well again. But it hardly ever is.
Now think of those innocent children hiding in the corner. Maybe in the eyes of one of their parents or even both, they are no good and rotten. Maybe as soon as the lights go off at night, their nightmares are just beginning or perhaps they started hours before. Maybe they go out of their way to try to please their parent, thinking that there is something wrong with themselves and that if they would only be better (or prettier, or smarter, or talented), the hitting and name-calling would stop. Think of the heart-breaking cries of agony as a child fights for their right to live without violence in their home. Some of those cries will be snuffed out one day or night without anyone coming to that child’s rescue. Imagine the horror that child must have felt as their life was coming to an end, at the hands of someone who should be kissing and hugging them.
Now think of your children and grandchildren. Your friends’ children? Your neighbors’ children?
Different worlds, yes? Or perhaps not.
Children who are in households where abuse is prevalent suffer. They suffer a lot, and they need not.
Children Learn What They Live (author unknown)
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to feel shy.
If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty.
(COMPARE)
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world.
Go back and read the above again. Really read it. Were you brought up with hostility and shame, or were you brought up with encouragement and acceptance? The difference is a fearful bitter child, or a happy secure child. These children are going to grow up into adults and carry over those feelings and attitudes. How will the fearful abused child, when he grow ups, treat his mate, his children? Will the cycle of violence continue? Who will ‘pay’ the brunt of all that abuse? Society of course. ALL of us.
Some abused children won’t be alive to see adulthood or even part of their childhood. They will be buried way before their time. Their bodies put into little caskets; they are but a memory for those who knew them. What a loss for society.
A much adored friend who has done tremendous work towards helping children and bringing attention to the plight of abused and murdered children has stated over and over that the problems we face in society all come down to not giving our children the priority they deserve. He has also said that the cowards who harm children must never be allowed to get away with such cruel and inhuman behavior; that when we harm our children, we are in essence harming the very fabric of our society.
Coward: Person Without Courage (Webster’s Dictionary)
Courage is about having honor. Having maturity to deal with problems without violence or threats of violence. It is not honorable to be in an already tense situation and look for ways to make it worse. Honor is about having character. Character is about doing the right thing even when we are hurting and angry.
No one deserves to be abused. No one. There is no acceptable explanation for hitting or abusing another person, much less a tiny child. If an adult cannot control their anger, they are old enough to seek help to protect themselves and the lives around them. Failure to do so is a lack of responsibility, and as an adult, there are consequences for those irresponsible actions.
As a society, we can all help our children by encouraging and reaching out to each and every one of them. Children thrive on love, thrive on attention, thrive on knowing they have done a good job. Next time you see your neighbor’s child, say hello and ask how they are doing. A little bit of caring goes a long way. You won’t be depriving your own children of attention – in fact, you will be teaching them a lesson they won’t learn in any school book.
There are children out there in real danger and harm, at the hands of one or both of their parents. If you suspect a child is being put in harm’s way, forget about not wanting to cause any trouble or get involved in something that is none of your business. It is your business. And that is one of the problems we face as a society: the failure to act because we think it is none of our business what is happening ‘over there’. Before you know it, ‘over there’ has escalated to ‘over here’. Failure to look out for each other has led to many tragedies and deaths. It would not be acceptable if someone were hitting us over the head on a street corner while people just walked by and turned their heads away in the name of ‘it’s none of our business’. If the tables were turned, how fast would we be yelling for help, pleading for someone to rescue us?
Our children are our future, but we must not wait until the future to intervene on their behalf. The stakes are too high.
*Case in point: (*written by the distraught grandfather mentioned earlier)
"Our grandson died in August 2000. He was placed in the custody of his father who was convicted of assault 4 against the mother while she was holding her firstborn and pregnant with her second child. He caused the placenta to tear. This was because he did not want another child and he told her that she was trying to get attention, and also because my daughter did not want him bringing drugs around the baby.
The court system, after convicting him and receiving testimony of his abuse toward his first son, saw it fit to give him custody after he stalked my daughter to the point she fled for her life.
The authorities did nothing to help protect her even when a lifetime restraining order was sanctioned on the ex-husband. One magistrate said there was nothing he or his lawyer could do to make my daughter stay, but two judges later, this lawyer who is supposed to fight for women in the women legal shelter defends this guy and pulls every underhanded thing she can to make sure my daughter lost her children.
The courts never even gave the father full legal custody and never gave my daughter the hearing she was entitled to for the custody matter. After the father went to Oregon to retrieve the children, he even lied to the courts and said he did not know where my daughter was, but yet its own court records show that he/they knew exactly where she was to come and take the children away from her. They claim the baby died from SIDS and that the ex made sure it went down in the report that way. They also told the medical examiner that there is a history of fetal alcohol abuse, which was not true.
The medical examiner said that the baby died from asphyxiation. A specialist is now reviewing this. The live-in girlfriend of the father has always expressed hatred toward taking care of the children, dropping them off after a visitation in the middle of the street and telling my daughter that she doesn’t want anything to do with them.
I went by the home where the children live and there are broken windows, plastic sheets hanging from the windows to keep the heat in and an old refrigerator out front with a new red strap tied around it to keep it closed. It wasn’t there the day after the death, but it appeared the day of the funeral.
The police said there was suspicious bruising on our dead grandson, but yet it was not enough to warrant removing the surviving child that my wife and daughter fought to get custody of and lost based on a bunch of lies and DYFS officials refusing to go look at the place where my grandchildren were subjected to living. They always said there were two sides to every story, but they refused to even talk to us."
A child is DEAD. A family TORN APART*. *The statement above is made by the family of the deceased child and is not represented here as a factual accounting of events, investigation into the death of this child is still ongoing as of the writing of this article.
According to ChildhelpUSA (http://www.childhelpusa.org/child/statistics.htm):
(ChildhelpUSA is "one of the largest and oldest national non-profit organizations dedicated to meeting the physical, emotional, educational and spiritual needs of abused and neglected children.") Childhelp USA can be contacted 24 hours a day/ 7 days a week at 1-800-2-A-Child.
Statistics:
More than 3 million child abuse reports were made in 1997 alone.
The actual incidence of abuse and neglect is estimated to be 3 times greater than the number reported to authorities.
Every 10 seconds a child is abused.
Child abuse kills more children in America than do accidental falls, drowning, choking on food, fires in the home, or suffocation.
More than 3 children die each day as a result of parental maltreatment.
Head trauma is the leading cause of child abuse death among babies.
More cases of child sexual abuse are never reported than are ever tried in court.
In 1997 nationwide, there was an estimate of 84,320 new cases of child sexual abuse.
Victims:
Between 1995 and 1997, 78% of child abuse and neglect fatalities were children under the age of 5; 38% were children under one year of age.
Girls are sexually abused 3 times more often than boys, while boys are at greater risk of emotional neglect and serious injury.
Women sexually abused before age 18 have lower levels of interpersonal functions and social adjustment as adults and are less likely to form trusting relationships.
Perpetrators:
Substance abuse, lack of parental skills, poor understanding of a child’s normal development path, young maternal age, poverty, and a history of domestic violence are common indicators for the occurrence of child abuse.
An estimated half of all homes with adult violence also involve child abuse or neglect.
Child molestation remains a crime most often perpetrated by relatives and acquaintances rather than strangers.
One third of all child molesters incarcerated in state prisons nationwide had attacked their own children or stepchildren, the majority of whom were age 12 or younger.
More than half the child victims of rape or sexual assault are ages 12 or younger.
Grief Recovery
GROWW (Grief Recovery ONLINE for ALL Bereaved) can be accessed at http://www.groww.com.
You have "permission to grieve".
This is a place "where you CAN recover from the overwhelming pain of grief".
"It’s a place of belonging".
If you are grieving from the loss of a loved one, visit this website. There are caring people to speak and talk with. They have secure chatrooms, message boards, resources, and more.
Another worthwhile website dedicated to children and families is CALM – Child Abuse Listening and Mediation (http://www.calm4kids.org/main.htm). Go to their website and see what they offer under Prevention, Treatment and Intervention.
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